My Rearview Mirror

Its so easy to put the thinking cap on backward this time of the year, especially on a full stomach after a late lunch and drizzly weather that is as persuasive and as vindicated as a fifty-percent-off-post-christmas-sale poster on parade.
This time last year I was on top of the world but this time round I have to admit I cannot feel more defeated. There, I said it. Its sometimes hard to admit; it could be the connection with certain someone once shared is no where to be found; Or a connection that one desperately pursue had ended before it hardly begun; Or realizing you can't handle being on your own as well as you thought.
Still, one can take the good in solitude; like seeing your grandma healthy and well; Or the knowledge that you are surrounded by people you can count on; Or the feeling that maybe it is quite alright to be completely vulnerable every once a while, even being just on your own.

Under.Stood

This happens more often than it should.
That feeling of attraction or longing to a particular someone gets all muddled up by everything else... the rest. Kinda like standing in a perfume shop and try to pick out a scent. Unless your name is Grenouille the chances are pretty slim.
We like being understood, 'we' as beings. Being understood kinda sets up a connection. We go out with somebody and talk about ourselves over drinks and dinner to really establish a level of understanding. Something else then builds on top of that I guess. These connection happens at the most unexpected places too, but alot of that is probably make-belief or some element of suspension of disbelief.
So often I hide to avoid it.

Now I really miss that bold connection.

Random acts of sweetness (part 1?)

Being loaded up with pain killers might have something to do with it... maybe even boredom but mostly they were random acts of kindness. Or just being a little more proactive. Most construct needs rules and reasons to make sense but the one that matters the most - almost always - overwritten by random odds.
A simple random act of kindness where its intention is no more calculated then where the 63rd raindrop of a thunder storm may fall in relation to an Okapi in African jungle. The sugary exchange today in both cases came swift but ever so slightly uneasy. An act that at its best will only conjure up some element of surprise and even some confusion (mostly definitely) but it was good enough of a reason to just, be, exactly what it is.
Rather unnerving to know that a simple act can unhinge all that matters. A simple act of discreet disguise, perhaps, with the intention to protect and shield those by assumption. A simple act that turns all decision - of decisions that was and ever will be into a by product of a series of compromise, lies and secrets.


Random, perhaps, is not nearly as arbitrary as it may seems.

7:35 AM

I kissed your right cheek, and swiftly slip by your front door like your neighbors cat.
The morning air is crisp and precise like a sharpened blade glimmering in your eyes as tho to say 'beware my dear, oh please beware. Dragging my weary body from your apartment to the car... these arms felt heavy, my thoughts were too.
Being precisely one hour and forty seven minutes early to the coffee shop, the shop itself didn't seem to mind. My cup of flatwhite sat quietly on the table in its ribbed brown recycled paper cup staring right back. The up hill climb seems more forgiving then the usual morning like a slightly awkward hug with a dash of sympathy only a winter morning knows how.
Dear you, my dear - know this, my fingers are always eager to ease your shoulders and my thoughts are too.

love,

Eric

Demolition

I was about 20 mins late to the site because of traffic going thru Balmain...

A modest house dominated by vegetation as though being devoured by the overwhelming inevitable truth. Inside, a window less room furthest away from the door, inscribed on the back wall were scribbles of child's writing. His pen would've swayed from side to side , the tip of the pen felt every bump on the wall. For years these marks on the wall with peeling paint seems unyielding at times...

Little did I know that it would only take no more than 24 hours to remove every trace of it.

Just nod... its AF1!!!!!!!

When I'm at the pearly gates